Not yet reviewed by Pith; the record is open.

This paper is a critical reflection on the epistemic culture of contemporary computational linguistics, framed in the context of its growing obsession with tables with numbers. We argue against tables with numbers on the basis of their epistemic irrelevance, their environmental impact, their role in enabling and exacerbating social inequalities, and their deep ties to commercial applications and profit-driven research. We substantiate our arguments with empirical evidence drawn from a meta-analysis of computational linguistics research over the last decade.